How Can Parents Have Fun In 3.2 Hours?
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, September 2005

It was unusual having dinner out with friends on a week night. There were eight of us. We had just ordered dinner and were enjoying each other's company, sitting back, talking about our lives. Then the inevitable happened. The subject of children came up. It seems that every time we get together with other parents, at some point during the evening, the conversation turns to children. But this time it was different. We didn't talk about what cute or new things the kids were doing or how they were spending the summer, we talked about how hard it was to get away from them for an evening. In the past it had been difficult finding an evening when none of us had conflicts, none of our kids were sick and none of us were overcome by exhaustion. This night it had just worked out. But before the first course arrived, one dad laughed and asked, "How are you supposed to have fun in 3.2 hours when half the time you are looking at your watch and thinking about how much you are going to owe the babysitter?" We all laughed, because we knew exactly what he meant. For some people at the table, it had been a long time since they had gone out for an evening without the children.

This comment got us thinking about how many parents put their own relationships on the back burner in favor of caring for their children. So this month, we want to talk about the importance of maintaining adult relationships. While the rewards of being a parent are evident, keeping up with children can be exhausting! In order to replenish the energy required to stay on top of things, parents need time for themselves. Couples need time for each other to keep their relationship strong; single parents need time to maintain friendships with other adults.

We know.you are asking yourself where you are supposed to find any extra time in your already overbooked, busy week. For parents who work both outside and inside the home, time is limited and very precious. Extra moments are often given to the children as added "quality" time. As a parent, you might worry that you have too little time with your children as it is. You might also hold the opinion that it is selfish to take time for yourselves. But is it?

We strongly believe that being committed to maintaining strong interpersonal adult relationships serves a parent well. Taking time to nurture friendship and romance does not belong on the back burner of our lives. The relationships we have as adults can be a fundamental source of strength, support and resilience for parents. Most couples can remember back to the time when they spent time together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company-before the children were born. Some parents have even made it a priority to find the time every day for each other, but that does not seem to be the norm. We frequently hear parents tell us that they do not have time for "date-nights". And, when they can find the time and have enough energy to go out, they can never find a babysitter. They often find themselves longing for time together, but having no idea how to make that happen. On the extreme end, are couples who feel like they have lost an essential connection with one another, but they can't figure out what ever happened to their relationship.

We agree that the job of parenting is one of the most challenging responsibilities any of us will ever have. With young children in particular, their needs are often immediate and, at times, seemingly relentless. It is all too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day activities and demands for attention. Before you know it, the day is gone and you've hardly had time to talk to your spouse or your friends. Given that a sense of connection to one another can serve to fuel us throughout the demanding days of shared responsibility for parenting, it is important to understand that taking time for each other does not require scheduled activities. Fostering relationships can be achieved by merely "being" with each other; emotional connections are built through relationships , not through activities. (It is important to note here that the same thing can be said for our relationships with our children. "Doing with" and "being with" are not the same things!)

Before our oldest daughter was born, like many married couples without children, we spent most hours of the week working. We were lucky to have professions and jobs that allowed us to work together, so we saw a lot of each other. After our daughter's birth, we found that juggling work and parenting demands left us exhausted and less able to count on free time together. In order to not lose that precious time for each other, we would get up an hour earlier than our daughter so that we could sit and have coffee together. At first, it seemed like a sacrifice to miss out on that extra hour of sleep, but it was worth it. Over the years we have continued this practice; it is an important reminder of our commitment to our relationship.

When we hear couples talk about not having enough time together, we suggest that they find a simple way to be together that doesn't rely on coordinating schedules or babysitters. Parenting should not define who you are; it is a part of the role you have assumed, albeit a vital one. The caring relationships you created before having children also contribute to who you are. Those relationships need tending.

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