 Setting Limits: One of the Biggest Challenges for Parents
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, October 2005
Your child has been going at you for hours. You made your decision. What he is asking for is unreasonable. It is settled…the subject is closed. Then you turn around and find out that your spouse has reversed your decision. He is the newly crowned hero in your child's life. But what does that do for you?
As every parent knows, one of the most critical aspects of our lives with children involves setting limits. We help them learn that there are expectations for behavior, including developing a sense of responsibility and an awareness that they cannot get everything they might want. It's that last one that poses the greatest challenge. Despite seemingly constant reminders that wanting something does not mean getting it, children are very competent request machines. Every day they confront parents with questions that begin with: “Can I do…?” “Can I go…?” “Can I have…?” [We are, of course, assuming here that the grammatical correctness of ‘may' versus ‘can' is lost on children during the frenzy to get what they want!] While each of us knows that there will be many times when we have to put our foot down and deny our children their various desires, they will persist no matter how clear our “NO!” might be delivered. “Oh, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease?” they beg and beg and then beg some more. When children want something they have an amazing ability to be single-minded and intently focused on their goal.
Given that setting limits for children is such an important aspect of parenting, we thought it was worth talking about how to achieve greater success in this arena. There are three key components necessary to establishing firm and reasonable limits: clarity, commitment and consistency. Clarity is about saying what you mean and is conveyed in the delivery of your response. Commitment is about meaning what you say; it comes from your basic beliefs and values. Consistency is about staying the course that you have set whether one or both parents are involved in the discussion. Setting fair and reasonable limits for children is more successful when each of these three aspects is part of your overall limit setting strategies.
When your child makes a request, it is not only your answer, but the way in which you deliver it that determines your child's response. There are three obvious possibilities for your response: yes, no and maybe. Saying “yes” gets the obvious response—varying degrees of pleasure and excitement. “Yes” produces no interpersonal tension; from your child's perspective, all is well. On the other end of the spectrum, a firm, unambiguous “no” also gets a predictable response: disappointment, claims of unfairness and, occasionally, anger. Although there may be a degree of interpersonal tension, it is often short lived when “no” is clear. Your child may be upset, but at least he or she knows where they stand. A completely different response comes if you say, “maybe”. This is a common response from parents who want to take time to think about their answer or from parents who want to postpone the inevitable “no”, because they want to avoid the tension. Regardless of the reason for saying “maybe”, few children will tolerate that kind of delay tactic. A “maybe” is heard by most children as an invitation for continuing the conversation; it signals possibility and ambivalence. After “maybe” has left your lips, you can expect some display of frustration with varying degrees of audible sighing. You can also expect a repetition of your child's request. It is important to note here that saying “no” as if it is a question, gets the same response as “maybe”.
The most common reason parents cite for having problems setting limits is that their children don't seem to understand the word “no”. However, saying the word “no” does not necessarily sound like a denial when parents are not convincing. Most children have well developed radar for picking up on ambivalence. For many children, even when they hear the word “no”, they persist as if they have nothing to lose in trying to get their parents to change their mind. Some children will merely repeat their request; others will up the ante by resorting to nagging or whining. Few parents can face their child's constant nagging without an emotional reaction which often takes one of two forms: parents either dig their heels in further or change their minds and give in. Parents who tend to change their mind because of frustration, tend to have children who have learned that “no” doesn't necessarily mean “no”. Although being asked for the same thing over and over can be frustrating, it is important to understand that the persistence is not a sign of disrespect, rather children are just giving it their best shot to try to get parents to change their mind.
One important way to enhance the clarity of your responses to your children's requests is to make decisions based on what is important to you. When your child asks for something that is unreasonable or not in their best interest, it is easy to come up with a decisive answer. For example, most parents have no problem keeping their children from running out into the street. No ambivalence enters the picture, because it is a safety issue. A completely different story emerges around non-safety issues which includes the vast majority of children's requests. Deciding what answer is best in a given situation is not always obvious and it is easy to lose sight of why we have to set limits in the first place.
Setting limits teaches children that there is balance in the world. We have to balance desires, prohibitions, competing interests and the common good. Children learn what acceptable behavior is and what will and will not be tolerated. They learn these lessons within the space we provide and against the boundaries we set. These life lessons take time, patience and constant repetition. “No”, “yes” and “maybe” are all part of those lessons. [return to In The News] |
