 Family Values: More Than Just a Political Slogan
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, November 2005
By now we have all fall- en back into post-summer routines. Our vacations are a distant memory, the kids have been back in school for a couple of months and our sights are turned to the falling leaves and the holiday season. For many of us, this time of the year is when our daily routines are centered on family activities. It seems fitting to us that this issue of Parents & Kids is focused on the family. In keeping with this important theme, our contribution is a call to action for all of us parents to reconsider and recommit to our family values.
Over the past few years, the phrase “family values” has taken on a new and limited meaning. It used to describe the set of beliefs and cares that united the members of a family. While many values are shared across families and within broader communities, it had generally been assumed that each family had its own set of beliefs that provided the foundation for their childrearing practices. In the mid 1980s, the Republican Party conscripted the term for its own use and benefits. There has been increasing momentum over the past two decades to associate the term “family values” with a political agenda, rather than as something that defines every family. Our goal is to bring “family values” back to its roots in the lives of all families, regardless of political affiliation.
For each of us, what we think of as our family “values” reflects long-held concerns that lie at the heart of our being. Our values tend to be based on a lifetime of experience within our own families of origin and extend to our families of procreation. Ideally, values and childrearing practices should be aligned. But what if they are at odds with one another? How do we even know if our values are aligned with our actions?
Helping parents engage in childrearing practices that are consistent with their values is a central theme in our work. In our experience, every parent is well aware that they have values, but most have never sat down with their spouse to have specific conversations to express them. Without conversations about values, each parent tends to live in a world of assumptions about what his or her spouse considers important. Relying on assumptions can work reasonably well up to a point, but when differences come up in family life, it can often be traced to conflicts in the values between spouses. For example, what if one of you values respect for parents and other figures of authority while the other values assertiveness and speaking one's mind? The inherent conflicts in these two values might show up as differences in what each parent will tolerate as acceptable behavior from their children. In another situation, the values might be shared between partners, but in conflict with childrearing practices. For example, both of you might value treating people with dignity, but one or both of you yell at your children or use the strategy, popularized on the television show “Super Nanny”, of insisting that your misbehaving child sit in the “naughty” chair. That action is in direct conflict with the value of treating others with dignity.
So how do we get started in bringing family values back into the mainstream of the life of all families? At Family Rhythms, we have created an exercise to deepen parents' understanding of how their values influence their parenting practices. The process includes seven steps. Each parent is asked to:
- Identify their individual values by making a list. (By list , we mean an actual pen and paper product, not a mental list.)
- Have a conversation with your spouse in which you share your individual lists.
- Identify how your values impact your childrearing practices. (You can add even greater complexity to this step by identifying the source in your own upbringing that contributed to each value.)
- Discuss areas where your values and childrearing practices are in alignment or in conflict.
- Together, create a new list of shared values.
- Recommit to the values that both of you want to transmit to your children.
- Find opportunities to communicate your values to your children, within their developmental capacities for understanding.
These steps are deceptively simple; within each lays a complex process of thought and analysis. The results, however, can yield powerful insights and reconsideration of what is important to each of you. When parents begin conversations about their values, they are putting their cares out on the table for someone else to see. In our experience, these conversations always produce a higher level of sharing that goes well beyond the usual “how was your day, honey?” The act of speaking about your concerns and cares with someone else who is intimately tied to the future that you are creating with your children is a powerful act of affirmation.
Let's be clear here. In our everyday parenting activities, we are transmitting our values to our children, regardless of whether or not we have actively engaged in discussions about them. Our values are embodied in our actions; they are never silent or invisible. What we are suggesting is that having conversations designed to identify and commit to that which you hold dear, can serve to strengthen your relationship as well as your sense of purpose as a parent. The values we all pass along to our children locate them in the continuity of our beliefs and help them set standards for living in the world with others. They also serve to help our children understand the uniqueness of their own family. As such, values should be spoken, not merely assumed. Our children deserve no less.
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