“Mom/Dad, I didn't do it, she did it! No, you did, No you did, No you did…”

Understanding and Negotiating Sibling Rivalry
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP/ Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, May 2006

In many families, one child plus one child adds up to power struggles. Sibling rivalry ¾ conflict between children in a family—is one of the most common problems that parents face on a daily basis. In one sense it is inevitable. As children are learning to navigate their social space, they often bump up against their brother or sister. When those “bumps” occur, many children try to undermine the other, argue, tease, whine, tattle to parents, or even engage in acts of physical aggression. Sibling rivalry is not a product of our modern way of life however; it is an old story. Take, for example, this long told Mother Goose nursery rhyme:

“Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after…”

Most often, these are the only lines recited, but have you ever wondered what happened at the top of that hill? Was Jack just clumsy, or is it possible that an argument got out of hand and Jill pushed Jack down? These first four lines may leave us wondering, but the less repeated part of the rhyme confirms our suspicions of foul play between siblings:

“Up got Jack and home did he trot,
As fast as he could caper;
Went to bed and bound his head,
With vinegar and brown paper.

When Jill came in how she did grin
To see Jack's paper plaster;
Mother vexed, did whip her next;
For causing Jack's disaster.”

Jill's mother's response would most certainly be considered abusive today! She acted out of her own anger without having any of the details of the events on the hill. Jill's mother is not alone. Many parents deal with sibling rivalry based on their own assumptions about what they think happened or, in the midst of an ongoing situation, what they imagine might happen.

Anticipating the potential for mayhem, many parents jump in to break up sibling conflict before real harm can occur. Punishment is often the path of first resort. It is intended to stop the actual or potential violence and bring order and calm back into the home. The usual scenario is that both children are sent to their rooms and/or a cherished activity is taken away, at least for the day if not for life! But we have to ask ourselves: what does immediate separation and punishment accomplish? For those parents who chose this option, it is designed to bring about a de-escalation of the anger and to prevent what is believed to be inevitable harm to one or both children. Parents who punish almost always see themselves as rescuer and preserver of safety and order.

We would argue that separating the children may serve to restore order in the very short term, but it does not eliminate the feelings that fueled the conflict in the first place. In fact, it often serves to add to the anger. And, much more important, it does nothing to teach children to manage conflict in emotionally healthy ways. Having the goal of stopping the ‘action' so that no one gets hurt is too shortsighted. It does not preserve the sibling love and caring that most parents desire.

If squabbles between siblings are such a commonly occurring event, what role should parents take? Should they jump in to separate the combatants immediately or should they just close the door and let the kids work it out? Before offering our answer to that question, let's take a closer look at the basis for sibling conflict.

Family life is the first social experience for children. When there are siblings, they need to learn to share the attention of the adults they love the most. To add insult to injury, they also have to learn to share the home space and, to some degree, their possessions. Since family life is one of the first places that children learn that they don't get everything they want, they need to deal with the disappointment that accompanies denial. In every family, children hear the word “no” on a daily basis. When children perceive their sibling(s) as the proximate cause of not getting what they want, the brother or sister becomes the target of the child's frustration and anger. Animosity toward a sibling is an opportunity to gain some semblance of control in an otherwise unpleasant situation.

At the heart of sibling rivalry is an emotional response to a given situation, combined with some cognitive appraisal. The intensity of the emotion, as well as the child's interpretation of the sibling's “wrong-doing”, is certainly a function of the ages of the children involved, their temperaments and the particulars of the situation. Common forms of emotional responses include: jealousy, envy, resentment, a sense of injustice, inequality, and anger. The bottom line is that one child feels slighted and blames the other for their plight. At the moment of conflict, the child wants his or her sibling out of their room, house, town, state or the world—depending on the intensity of the situation! There is often more than a passing thought that if their sibling wasn't around, all would be well with the world. In response, the aggrieved child acts out against their sibling in self-defense as a way to preserve their claim on the home space.

Given that the home space must always be shared, helping children negotiate their various disagreements becomes the important task of parents. But it is not a requirement that all of the teaching must be done by a hands-on approach. Skills of conflict resolution are social strategies that are learned. The role of parents is to set the stage for strategic learning and to facilitate the process of learning to share space with other people. The first step in that process is for parents to become keen observers of their children. Learn to read their emotional states and their responses to others when tired, hungry, excited or even bored. Watch what happens when the conflict begins. Does it immediately escalate or is there a period of emotional percolation? What strategies does each child use? Knowing more about the progression of sibling conflict allows parents to intervene more effectively in strategic teaching. Learning how children blend their different personalities becomes important ‘data' for deciding how much to intervene. Recognizing each child's strengths (e.g., linguistic competence, tolerance for discomfort, assertiveness, empathy and ability to read their own emotional state and that of others) forms the foundation for the teaching process. Beginning by letting them work it out is not an abdication of parental responsibility; rather it is a way to give children space in their conflict resolution learning process. Children need their parents to intervene when the strategies they have available are ineffective in dealing with the situation. Helping children calm down is the first and most important step – once they are calm, parents can elicit an explanation of the cause of the events from each child's perspective. Identifying each child's feelings and perspective can contribute to their learning of empathy. Allowing children to participate in the resolution, as appropriate to their developmental level, is some of the earliest learning of negotiation skills. From this perspective, sibling conflict can be seen as an opportunity to begin the life-long learning of living in the social world with others.

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