 After school outbursts: You call this love?
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, May 2005
You never get notes from your child's teacher about problematic behavior at school. He or she is a delight in class, gets homework assignments done on time and has lots of friends. The report cards may even be suitable for framing. But upon seeing you after school, your little darling has a major meltdown, both barrels aimed right at you.
“How was your day, honey?” you innocently ask. “You just don't get it,” your child screams. You follow up with, “What's with you?” totally clueless about the source of this anger. Your child turns to you and shouts, “I hate you, Mommy!” stunning you into silence. So there you are, sitting in the car wondering what you did wrong. Your blood pressure rises. You start to breathe faster. You feel defensive. Then, you react. Nothing you say is quite right. The tension builds until both of you are engaged in a battle. The rest of the afternoon is downhill from there.
Sound familiar? This scenario is being played out between parents (mostly mothers) and children in ever increasing numbers. After-school emotional outbursts are a common phenomenon. A friend of ours, Jane Gagne, calls this the “Street Angel, House Devil” syndrome. She remembers having after-school outbursts when she was growing up. Jane summed up the situation beautifully as she recalled, “After a long day at school where I was told where to sit, how I was supposed to spend my time, when I could eat, even when I could go to the bathroom, I was all done with respect -- totally done! When I got home, I had had it. I probably told my mom I hated her, but that was so far from the truth…I just had to let all that tension out, and she was there!”
Jane's comment is right on the money! It is all about letting out the tension built up from a day of essentially “holding it together." While it might be difficult for adults to fully appreciate the constraints under which our children spend their school day, just think about the expectation that children must sit, concentrate and focus for several hours a day while, at the same time, demonstrating a high degree of productivity. For many children, this behavioral expectation exacts a heavy toll on them. “Appropriate” behavior in school requires young children to already know how to manage their energy. When are children supposed to learn how to act in school if they are expected to already know how to act in school when they get there? Seems like a catch 22 to us! Isn't this one of those developmental tasks that they should be allowed to learn over time?
Most of the parents we work with are convinced that their child is the only one who reacts in such a hostile way. They come to us with one of two assumptions about the source of the problem: (1) there is something wrong with their child, or, (2) they believe that they have done something wrong as a parent. The majority of parents, we admit, hold the first assumption. They ask, “Why is he so fresh?” or “Why is she so disrespectful?” Not infrequently, we hear comments such as, “He seems so angry all the time, do you think he needs anger management classes?” One mother even told us that her son is “not himself” in school. It is important to note here that this same mother told us that her child's teacher comments on his wonderful behavior in school, so her comment begs the question of what she considers his real self…but, that is another story.
When children get into their parent's car, or come through the front door of the house at the end of a long day at school, and totally lose it, they are letting the cork out that has so successfully held in the built up tensions all day. It is important to remember here that they have shown significant competence in holding it together all day, but at the time they enter the safe-space of the home, and they cannot maintain that control any longer. They need to have an energetic release. Why do they do it at home and not at school? The full answer to that question is more complex than space allows here, but suffice it to say that home represents a safe place where they are loved…warts and all. We won't go so far as to say that your children scream at you because they love you, but the fact that you love them creates a place to let down.
What they (and their parents) need the most is a set of strategies for managing energy in such a way as to allow for a shift in their mood. A simple, but effective response is to just be there for them without placing more demands on their already over-extended repertoire. Acknowledging that they had a hard day goes further than asking them what homework they have to do. Sitting with them to make a connection and a show of support will allow them to cool off in safety, with no one judging their performance. They have had that all day. This doesn't mean that parents shouldn't tell their children how it makes them feel to be yelled at, but the time for that conversation is not during the outburst. Nor is that the time to begin to teach them to relax and manage their energy. But those are precisely the lessons that need to be taught…at a time when they can engage in the learning. After all, learning to manage emotional outbursts is one of the major developmental tasks of life. [return to In The News] |
