 The Value of Manners: Helping Children Take Their Place in the Social World?
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, March 2006
Recently, a mom brought her 13 year old son into our office for a pediatric medical visit. As they came through the door, she reminded her son to remove his baseball cap. He glanced at her with that “okay, okay, I know” look, removed his hat, looked down and mumbled some form of greeting. His mom, who is a long-time friend, greeted me with delight and quietly asked her son to please look up at me when he spoke. After another glance at mom, he directed his full-faced teenage grin at me and said, “Hello, Mrs. McKenzie”. This brought a big smile to his mom's face; “you have to keep reminding them,” she said as she gave him a hug.
Yes, indeed, when it comes to teaching children manners, you do have to keep reminding them. Many parents find it frustrating to have to repeat the same things over and over, but the simple fact about teaching manners is that it is a life long lesson in how to behave in the social world. What makes it even more difficult is that there is no single set of standards when it comes to good manners. What is considered proper behavior is socially constructed; expectations vary across cultures, geographic regions and communities. For example, in the United States it is generally considered polite to look someone in the eye when speaking to them; however, in some cultures, looking directly into the eyes of a baby or young child is considered threatening. In some communities children are expected to address adults by their surnames, while in other communities the use of first names are encouraged, regardless of the child's or adult's age.
Given the wide range of what is considered acceptable in one place, but unacceptable in another, are we entering a time when the teaching of manners is obsolete? Furthermore, since there is no universal standard for manners, do we as parents run the risk of confusing our children by expecting them to behave according to our own definition of what is meant by ‘good' manners? Our answer to both these questions is a resounding ‘no!' Manners reside in the social world as a subset of behavioral conduct. They form the basic building blocks of demonstrating respect for others. We would argue that even in this rapidly changing and diverse world one of the critical tasks in parenting is the teaching of manners. By instilling in our children codes of conduct and an understanding of social conventions, we enable them to extend themselves into the social world with self-confidence. Rather than narrowing their comfort zone, teaching manners actually expands the realm in which children—and the adults they will become—can effectively function. As such, teaching manners should begin early in a child's life and be incorporated as an integral part of the overall socialization process. But how should parents begin this process?
Although there are many books available about the specific rules of etiquette and manners under various situations, there are some basic principles to follow in the process of teaching manners to children. The first and most important place for parents to begin is to identify what set of behaviors are important to them. For example, what type of conduct is important to each of you at the dinner table? At what age do you expect your children to consistently say “please” and “thank-you”? How do you respond when children interrupt you when you are talking on the phone? Do you allow children to jump up from the dinner table to answer the phone? [If you haven't yet thought about that one, wait until you have teenagers!] Do you expect the men in the house to put the toilet seat back down? These are some of the categories of family etiquette and manners. Every family has their own set of expectations that children are taught and expected to follow. Some of the rules of conduct within families will be somewhat unique (e.g., taking shoes off when entering the house), but most will be shared among members of the extended families and broader communities to a large degree (e.g., not talking with food in one's mouth, keeping elbows off the table, removing hats when entering a building).
Understanding the rules for behavior at home is always the starting point for children in the process of learning about how to behave with others. ‘Family' manners form the grounding for beginning the shaping of behavioral conduct. As part of the preparation for children to move beyond the bounds of the family, it is important to give them the social tools to function in diverse circumstances. Promoting children's participation in various social events teaches them about acceptable conduct within the community in which they live. The process of engaging with children around manners lessons will go more smoothly when parents:
- Model the desired behavior – parents who behave in ways consistent with the lessons they teach will find that their children behave in acceptable ways much faster (e.g., if you insist that your children stay at the dinner table despite hearing the phone ring, you should refrain from using your cell phone during dinner)
- Deliver consistent messages – if you expect your children to be respectful of others, that expectation should hold for all others, including their siblings;
- Take advantage of the moment – timing is everything when it comes to learning; teaching proper conduct should be taught at the time that the child is engaged in the activity where their manners are called into question, not after the event is over.
- Use a supportive, positive tone – Calling behavior into question always has the potential to produce a defensive attitude; a matter-of-fact, ‘this is the way we do it' tone will always produce greater learning than a reprimand or criticism for how they acted
- Repetition/Practice – manners are learned behavior and generally take lots of practice over many years before getting it right consistently.
Manners are part of life, but children do not come into the world equipped with them. As parents, we have a lifetime to help them learn the rules of social engagement. As the mother of the 13 year old boy so aptly put it, “you have to keep reminding them”.
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