Discipline with Dignity: Parents Teach Valuable Lessons
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP/ Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, June 2006

We seem to be living in a time in our culture when our appetite for public humiliation is increasing. Consider, for example, the growing popularity of television shows that glorify rudeness, glib characterizations of others and lack of empathy (e.g., American Idol, The Apprentice, Survivor, Super Nanny, etc.). While these shows are very popular and presumably allow us to witness ‘how a star is born', the editing clearly favors cheap laughs at the expense of another. The publicly aired negative comments on these T.V. shows are all assessments of another person's behavior. Teammates on Survivor make derisive comments when someone is being selfish and not helping the group; the boss on The Apprentice judges a young business associate's foolish decisions; the infamous judge on American Idol makes jokes about a contestant's voice or persona; the Super Nanny sends a child to the “naughty chair”. The audience bears witness to the belittling of another whose dignity suffers in the process.

You might argue these shows are merely trying to keep ratings high and that polite conversation would not entice an audience. Perhaps that is true, but is something happening to make us less sensitive to others? As social beings we are all constantly engaged in making assessments of the behavior and actions of other people. We are all, in essence, assessment machines. In a very important sense, the manner in which we deliver our assessments says something about who we are and the regard we hold for each other.

Assessing the behavior of others occupies a central role in parenting. In our efforts to shape our children's behavior within acceptable bounds, we call attention to what they are doing, have done or what we think they will do. As such, we are constantly engaged in activities of behavior regulation. How parents engage in this very important process with their children forms a critical foundation for the development of children's self-esteem. The primary arena in which this activity occurs is in the domain of discipline. The way we go about disciplining our children sends powerful and memorable messages about what is okay and what is not when dealing with other people.

Purpose of Discipline

As parents, it is our job to assume the major role in the long and often rather messy process of socializing our children. Unlike the adult contestants on the so-called Reality Shows, our children do not ‘know' the rules of civilized behavior; they need us to help them learn how to behave so that they will be an accepted member of the social tribe. Disciplining children is one of the primary means by which we get these messages across. When you think of the word “discipline” what comes to mind? Over the years when we have asked parents that question, their first response is usually “punishment”. However, the meaning of “discipline” is much broader than that; in its original form, discipline means to teach ( disciplina ) a learner ( discipulus ). Ideally, as parents, our behavioral guidance should be given in the form of teaching important lessons in the personal and social world (i.e., lessons related to manners, sibling interactions, participating in chores, how to treat friends, respecting parents, etc.). Viewing children as students in the game of life, as beginners rather than masters, enables parents to more fully understand the time required for the long process of learning how to behave. In general, children don't misbehave because they are spiteful, manipulative or defiant, they act the way they do because they are still learning the rules of social conduct. For children to ‘get it' takes multiple, patient repetitions. But what is the best way to help them learn how to behave?

Enhancing Success in Disciplining

Think about your favorite teacher, the one who really made a difference in your life. What was it that he or she did to have such a lasting impact on you? We would bet that in all likelihood your teacher treated you with respect and made the assumption that you had the capability of learning whatever lesson was being taught. In other words, your teacher had faith that you would try your best and that you could succeed. All really good teachers know that treating students with dignity and respect, combined with gearing instruction to the developmental level of the student, greatly enhances understanding. These same principles translate to parenting, too, as we teach our children the lessons of life. When disciplining conversations and strategies are delivered with respect and aimed at the child's developmental level, we too stand a greater chance of success.

There are times when even the most patient parent loses his or her cool when trying to deal with their child's behavior. One of the most common criticisms parents have about their own parenting skills is their tendency to yell at their children.

Rather than taking a deep, calming breath when faced with their child's misbehavior, many parents resort to yelling to force rapid behavioral compliance. Yelling signals a loss of control on the parent's part and prompts children to respond with fear, resentment or even matched aggression. Once yelling begins, parents abandon all hope of getting their teaching message across to their child. A situation that might have been an opportunity to teach becomes an emotional tornado, lashing all in its path. When parents can take that calming breath, they shift the emotional tone and their child's receptiveness actually improves. When calm, parents can be much more resourceful and use techniques that have a greater chance of lasting success. A calm demeanor also increases the likelihood that the child and parent will both keep their dignity during the encounter.

When we discipline our children, we model what is okay and what is not when it comes to dealing with others. When parents belittle their children, they are teaching them that it is okay to belittle another person. When parents use aggressive, overpowering means to control behavior, they are teaching children that the use of force and violence is acceptable. When we treat them with respect and understanding, then they learn that we value them and that a show of respect for others is the right way to behave. While it might be easier at times to use controlling techniques, such as yelling or punishment, we get only short term gains. If we are after long-term learning when we discipline our children, using discipline strategies that preserve their dignity will produce the healthy outcomes we desire. We would argue that raising the bar on how we treat children will keep all of us from bumping our heads or bruising their egos!

Quick Tips

Discipline Strategies that Work

• Make eye contact with your child when disciplining
• Requests for action should always be clear and direct (e.g., “I wish you would stop hitting your sister” is not clear, but “stop hitting your sister” is)
• Avoid ambiguous emotional messages (laughing when correcting behavior gives conflicting messages; if the issue is serious, have a serious look on your face)
• Timing is everything (avoid long delays in addressing an issue, children have short attention spans and memories)
• Keep your goal in mind (shaping behavior should be purposeful)
• Consequences should be logical (losing a favorite T.V. show is not a logical consequence of hitting one's sibling; recognizing that sibling aggression is a sign of intense emotions and then helping your child calm down is a logical next step)
• Ask children to do only what they are capable of doing (e.g., don't expect your two year old to understand the concept of sharing; even a 6 year old will have a hard time getting himself ready for school in the morning if you give him a long to-do list; keep instructions simple and limited in number)
• Give time outs as a chance for emotional cooling down, not as a punishment

[return to In The News]