 Parents and Toddlers: A Clash of Cultures
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, June 2005
The phase of life between18 months and 3 years is a time of rapid acquisition of new skills across every domain of functioning. Recently, we hosted a thoroughly enjoyable session with a group of parents of 2-year olds discussing the topic of “discipline.”
As we considered the concerns that the parents presented for discussion, it was clear that there were no surprises on the list- all could be predicted from the expected developmental stages of toddlerhood. Every parent in the room agreed that their own limits and usual strategies were being tested by their toddler's new talents, demands and expectations.
Think about it, when you are a new parent, the first year of your baby's life is spent learning to care for a dependent being who relies on you for everything. You decide when and what to offer to eat. You set the pattern for bedtime routines. You chose the stories to read. Then, one day, it is as if your baby stands upright, places her hands on her hips and shouts, “No, do it MY way!” Many of the familiar patterns of engagement are no longer applicable. You realize there are new rules. But what are they? How do you cope with your toddler who is now off and running in an uncharted direction?
The topic of discipline always generates a lively exchange of beliefs, values and strategies, especially when discussing toddlers. We began by asking the parents to list those situations and behaviors that posed challenges to them. We heard about children who had suddenly started biting their parents (mostly moms) and/or other children in daycare. We heard the weary tales of battles over getting dressed in the morning and refusals to get into the car when rushing off to daycare. All agreed that their children had episodes of temper tantrums and that, during those outbursts, their children appeared really angry and quite tenacious in their demands! Everyone listed “refusal to eat what is offered for dinner” as a recurring problem. Some told great stories of their children demanding to eat only favorite foods—night, after night, after night, after night! Well, you get the idea.
It quickly became evident that each parent had stories familiar to everyone else. And, every parent had their own ideas about how they should be dealing with various examples of challenging behavior, even if they hadn't yet worked out how to do it.
Toddler behavior was described using words such as, “delightful,” “curious,” “engaging,” “defiant,” “energetic,” and, at times, “perplexing.” All agreed that the energy level of toddlers is unmatched by any adult's capacity.
In general, it would be great if we, as parents, could stand still and focus all of our energies on being taken along for the ride of their toddler's life. However, that is not always possible to the degree we might like. While children entering their second and third years of life are out staking a claim for their autonomy, many parents are at an age and stage in their own lives when they are trying to stake a claim for themselves in their chosen fields. (Please understand that we are not referring exclusively to parents who work outside the home. Parents whose work is dedicated to child rearing and managing a household are also engaged in the developmental task of staking a claim to their identity and competence. Their job still requires that specific activities be completed within some defined timetable for daily life.) For many parents, the life changes needed to coordinate their needs with the needs of their demanding toddlers often times creates conflict and frustration. In a real sense, it is a clash of “cultures.”
When we use the term “culture” here, we are referring to “a way of life, typical of a group”. Within any cultural group, there are particular beliefs, actions and patterns of interaction. So, what are the two cultures of toddlers and adults ?
A toddler lives his life at a pace of high energy one moment, and then at the very next moment, he is stopping on a dime to savor an experience. As adults, we have learned to curb that unbounded energy we had as toddlers and rarely take time to savor the novelty of every little thing we see, feel and hear. For toddlers, the world is a place to satisfy their curiosity and desires. It is open to them, they live large. They live now…in the moment…not in the future.
As adults, we tend to live in a world with a future orientation, we go about our days with carefully laid plans and to-do lists. We schedule our time to be able to fit in more activities than could possibly be accomplished in a 24-hour day. Toddlers have not yet developed a concept of time, and in a very real sense, our adult schedule is irrelevant to them. They don't care if we are late for work or if the laundry isn't done. They certainly don't understand that you have only allotted 20 minutes for getting dressed and out the door in the morning. Their needs and desires are in conflict with our adult fast-paced, high-demand, little-margin-for-error world.
Luckily, life with toddlers doesn't have to be a constant conflict. Sharing our lives with these energetic, dynamic people can be a joyful enterprise, but only when we have an accurate appreciation of their abilities as well as their limitations. When we take the time to join our toddlers in savoring life, in being in the moment with them and in slowing down from the fast-paced life we lead, we can find pleasure in family life. That pleasure emerges from appreciating the wonder and energy inherent in our toddlers' entrée into the world, tempered by a sensitive understanding of their cognitive, social and emotional abilities—they are not just little adults! [return to In The News] |
