 Mattie's Wish: The Challenge of Negotiating Change
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, July 2005
Summertime finds many families in the midst of change. Once school is out, many children start new camps or sports, some parents change jobs and need to relocate, some decide to buy new homes or spend the summer away. The list of changes in family life goes on and on. On occasion, these changes seem to throw a wrench into the best laid plans for an orderly, predictable life. Change always comes with consequences and, on occasion, unexpected fallout. Knowing that the unknown is around the corner can make many of us face change with fear and trepidation. When children are involved, the stakes are higher for the way in which we negotiate change. Take, for example, the changes created by considering a move to another state.
A few weeks ago, some friends of ours set out in search of the ideal vacation spot. After considering lots of options, the parents decided upon a small town in South Carolina . They weren't sure how much their two young children would enjoy the location, but they packed up the car and set out hoping for the best. As luck would have it, the whole family had a perfect vacation and everyone fell in love with the place. The town had a wishing well in the center square. When they came upon it, their six-year-old son, Mattie, closed his eyes, threw in a penny and said, “I wish we could live here”. But despite the wishes of six year olds, vacations do end and “real” life must resume.
Within a few days of returning to their usual lives of work and end-of-the-year school activities, that small town with its wishing well seemed farther and farther away. Their lives proceeded on as it always had after vacation; carefree days were replaced with predictable routines. Busy days blended into more busy days. When the parents thought about their vacation, they would smile at the thought of Mattie's wish to move to South Carolina …ah, the imagination of a six year old.
But try as they may, neither parent could get Mattie's wish out of their minds. The subject of moving had actually been discussed the previous year. Back then, they had talked about it for weeks. They even raised the subject with their families; however, both sets of grandparents and several of the aunts and uncles made it perfectly clear that they were against the move. How could they even consider moving so far away? The change would be too drastic. It was not worth the disruption to their family. The subject was closed. So why couldn't they get Mattie's wish out of their minds?
It is not that either one of the parents was particularly unhappy with their lives here, but each one kept remembering the peace they felt in that small town. They started to question whether or not their face-paced, high-pressure lifestyle was what they wanted for themselves and their children. And even if life here had its problems, what unanticipated changes would they have to face with such a drastic move? How could they be certain that they would be happier? With such a change, they knew that there was no way to be certain. So, for several weeks, each parent kept their thoughts to themselves.
One night after a particularly frustrating week, they raised the subject again. They both agreed that the idea of moving was exciting, but could they really face such a change? Their extended families would still be against it. They would have to sell their house, buy a new one, enroll the children in new schools, and leave their friends. All in all, they would have to start a completely new life. Maybe they were making too much of a silly wish of a six year old. Or, were they? As they talked more about it, they began to take a closer look at their life. They focused on what they really wanted for each other and for their children. After hours of discussion, they decided to take the plunge; they would move to that small town in the South.
There's a relief that comes with making a decision that feels right. However, now that the decision had been made, they feared that they were about to face the hardest part…how to deal with all of the changes that would come. They came to us to seek our advice on how to tell the children. Mattie and his sister had never known another home or other schools. Would they cope with leaving family and friends? Would they adapt to a new life?
As we sat with them, it was clear that we had heard similar questions many times before from parents worried about the possible negative impact of change on their children. When you think about it, family life is never static; it is constantly full of all sorts of changes, big and small. Change is a natural part of an evolving family life. So, what is it about change that makes so many parents worry? Change, in and of itself, does not have to be frightening and it does not have to have a negative impact on children. When change is borne of decisions that are made for the “right” reasons, it can open doors of opportunity that might have seemed closed. What are the “right” reasons?
We believe that listening to your gut is a good first step in deciding whether or not a proposed change would be right for your family. As you sort through your list of pros and cons, ask yourself: “does it feel right?” What is your body telling you? Is there a knot or churning in your stomach? Do you feel a sense of anticipation and excitement or worry? Do you find yourself smiling or frowning? Do you feel centered or thrown off balance? Paying attention to the language of the body as it blends intellect with emotion can yield vital information to your decision making. Indecision and constant second guessing creates anxiety. When parents make a decision and are committed to a course of action in the service of their values and cares, children will adapt and thrive.
By the time that this article is published, Mattie's family will be completing last minute details before heading south. We know that they are facing this next adventure of their lives with some nervous energy and a great deal of curiosity about what the future holds. Will their children adjust? Will they love the place when life is not a vacation? Will they make new friends and manage to overcome missing their old friends? Will their family ever forgive them for moving so far away?
We obviously can't answer those questions for them, no one can. They will come to know the answers as they experience and grow into their new life. What we can predict for them is that their family will survive, because their decision came out of the wisdom to trust their instincts and their knowledge of themselves and of their children.
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