 Stories Parents Tell: Creating A Family's Identity
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP / Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, January 2006
We are all storytellers. We make sense of our lives by telling others about our days, our yesterdays and our hopes for tomorrow. Stories allow us to make sense of our experiences as we sort through life's events and hold them in our memories. Although many of our experiences have the potential to make for good stories, when it comes to tales that develop a life of their own, narratives of family life hold center stage. Every family has its own set of stories; some funny, some dramatic and some a bit harder to classify. These stories are retold at various times and in various places throughout our children's lives. But have you ever wondered why we repeat the same events over and over again? Are they just a form of idle entertainment with long lost relatives and unsuspecting boyfriends or girlfriends…or do family stories serve a higher purpose? As we all start a new year together, we thought it would be a good time to reflect on the value of family stories.
Telling tales of our children's exploits serve several functions. They teach us about the perceptions of the storyteller with respect to the ‘star' of the event; they lay out the relationships of the people included and about the mood of a certain time. In the act of telling a story, the ‘character' of the target person is presented and preserved. However, something even more fundamental takes place: telling stories is more than an act of reporting, it is an act of creation . In the telling, we shape the perceptions of the listeners as we bring to life the uniqueness, the strengths and, sometimes, the foibles of the person who the story is about. The way the story is told adds to the listener's understanding and impressions of the child. When the listener is the child whom the story is about, their sense of self is confirmed or challenged by the description of them in the story. The child gains the advantage of hearing how others perceive him or her. What makes their parent proud? What past actions contribute to disappointments that their parent has held onto? When parents narrate a past event in their children's lives, they don't just describe how their child reacted under certain circumstances, they contribute to a particular perception of who the child is. The stories reveal and shape how parents see their child and how they respond to him or her. Story telling is an active process of identify formation and affirmation.
We don't mean to leave anyone with the impression that family stories are only told by parents about children. Each member of a given family will have stories told about them; parents are not immune. Children often recount anecdotes about the ‘thoughtful', ‘silly' or ‘mean' things that their parents subjected them to over the years. You can learn a lot about what perceptions your children have of you when you listen to their stories about you! All families have stories about each and every member of the family. An added benefit of stories exists when geographic distances between family members are vast; some children get to ‘know' their relatives only by the repetition of stories. In this respect, stories serve to maintain a sense of continuity and connection among family members.
While we might find striking similarities in the themes that comprise family stories, the particular narratives we tell within our own families serves to form a signature of our family unit. Family members tend to capture some of the memorable—and not so memorable—antics in each person's life. The way that we tell our stories gives others a glimpse into how we view each other. Think about your last reunion with relatives or long time friends. Did you find yourself trotting out some often repeated event from your child's life? Did your children regale them with stories that they have heard about what you did as a teenager?
We have had a lot of time to think about this subject lately. Our daughter, Taieri (pronounced “Tyree”), brought her college boyfriend and one of her roommates home for Thanksgiving weekend. One night we took them all to dinner at our favorite restaurant. After we had ordered, the stories started. The one we told her boyfriend has been repeated many times in our family.
When Taieri was in the third grade we sat down with her teacher for the first term parent-teacher conference. Her teacher said she was a delight to have in class and was doing well academically. As with all conferences of this type, teachers routinely identify a skill or behavior that needs improvement. This conference was no exception. The teacher wanted us to know that it took Taieri 20 minutes to sharpen her pencil. We were a bit surprised to hear that bit of news, until Ms. D. explained that on her way to and from the pencil sharpener in the back of the classroom, Taieri stopped to chat with every student along the way. Ahhh, she's very social. No surprise to us. Although this was supposed to be the “negative” aspect of Taieri's progress in the third grade, we laughed knowingly. This behavior was right on target with the child we knew and loved. Taieri was then and has always been a social magnet. Her Thanksgiving weekend revolved around her various activities with her high school friends. She wanted to introduce her boyfriend and roommate to everyone!
Stories link people with a legacy of intimacy and connection. They allow us to extend our personalities through time and reserve for us a place as a prominent member of the family. What our stories say about each person signifies the regard we have for them and affects how we interact with them. Part of family life is story telling; stories contribute to the strong emotional bonds that unite us. Think about the stories that circulate in your own family. Which ones are told over and over? What do they reveal about each member of your family? What do the stories reflect about your family relationships? How do they contribute to your children's identity or, for that matter, your identity as a parent? The stories we tell lie at the heart and soul of our family identity.
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