 Parenthood: Making and Living the Committment
By Lee H. McKenzie, RN, MSN, MA and Michael D. McKenzie, MD, FAAP/ Family Rhythms
Parents and Kids, April 2006
One bright, sunny morning a chicken and pig were walking down a country road when they spotted a sign on a local cafe announcing the breakfast special: “All the bacon and eggs you can eat for $1.99”. “What a bargain,” said the chicken, “Let's go in, I'm hungry”. The pig hesitated. “What's wrong with you?” asked the chicken, “this is a great deal”. After a few more moments of hesitation, the pig looked at him and said, “The decision is not that easy…for you it's an affirmation of your ability…for me it's a commitment.”
This is an old joke, often used at business meetings to illustrate the necessary mindset of a successful manager; however, we have always thought that the story has interesting connotations for the role of parenting. For the chicken and pig, the relative difficulty in making a decision about what to eat for breakfast is rooted in their individual perspectives. Along similar lines, the degree to which an individual embraces their parenting role depends upon his or her perspective. While it is often assumed that having children automatically brings a sense of commitment to the process of parenting, most of us know, or have heard of, at least one parent for whom that is not the case. Therefore, if one's commitment to parenthood does not automatically accompany the birth of children, then how do parents effectively move beyond the mindset of the chicken—where having children is as an affirmation of one's ability to reproduce—to the level of body and soul commitment noted by the character of the pig? On this one year anniversary of our Family Rhythms column in Parents and Kids , we thought it was fitting to write about the commitment aspect of parenthood.
What does it mean to make a commitment to someone or something? In the most basic sense, a commitment is an intention to act in a certain way. According to Bob Dunham, a nationally recognized business coach and our mentor, commitments arise from conversations; specifically, conversations that are focused on things we care about. As human beings we are caring creatures; we have the cognitive and emotional capacity for attachment, empathy and for building and sustaining long-term relationships. And, perhaps even more important, as humans we have the capacity to speak our intentions, set goals for our lives and then to act in such a way as to create a future aligned with our goals and cares.
When we talk about making a commitment to being a parent, we are assuming more than the biological act of having children—although that certainly does set a basic foundation for parenting. We are assuming the intention to care for, nurture and guide children through diverse circumstances over a lifetime. Parenting is a job that has no end in sight and requires persistence, flexibility and stamina. Making a commitment to parenting means having some skin in the game! Just because you are committed to being a parent, however, does not mean you will suddenly have all the right answers or that your children will bow at your feet. It simply means that you intend to be a meaningful presence for your children as you all make your way through your lives. Commitment to parenthood is about much more than doing things for children; it provides the grounding for the development of a parent's identity that extends beyond daily tasks into an essential shift in one's sense of self that is shaped by the lived experience of parenthood.
Over the years, we have had many conversations with parents. Those who consider themselves committed to parenthood have, in essence, made a declaration that they ARE a parent. It is a part of their essence and purpose. What differentiates parents who hold a strong commitment to parenthood from those who do not is the ‘parent identity' that comes through in the way each speaks about their families. They know who they are and what they can offer to their children. In our experience, parents who have not fully committed themselves to being a parent—and all that the job entails—seem to lack a clear sense of the contribution that they could make. They also (often) lack the joy and satisfaction of the journey of family life and are easily overwhelmed by their family responsibilities.
Conversations of commitment are almost always infused with expressions of the hopes and dreams they have for their children. They have learned how to create a space for “we” without leaving behind the “me” part of themselves. When these parents pose questions to us about incidents where they wondered if they did the right thing, we generally get a sense of resilience, even in the face of fleeting self-doubt. Parents who acknowledge and own their commitment are more able to weather the tough moments. Commitments temper all of us for the mistakes we make and for the times we wish we could live today over so that we could do it better next time—and we all have those moments.
However, as we all know, intentions alone do not always ensure commitments. As Bob Dunham points out, we have to have ongoing conversations to help us continue to shape our commitments. The most important question to ask each other as parents is, “What do we care about when it comes to our children and family?” This is not a one-time question; it should be asked regularly as a way to bring attention and clarity to your concerns and cares. There is a simple maxim that is relevant here: energy follows attention. When you bring attention to your cares, you shape your actions. A natural next question is then, “what actions are needed to take care of our concerns and goals for our children?” As you gauge the efficacy of your actions, you will continue to clarify your intentions. Through these conversations, we are able to reshape and renew our commitment to parenthood. For mothers and fathers, being a parent means creating a foundation for family life and, like a foundation, the qualities of being grounded, stable and having the capacity for endurance are essential.
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